What’s going to happen in 2010 – FACT*

So the new year is upon us, and is ripe with potential for failure, moaning and another terrible Twilight film. This may make me sound like a miserable guy, but we Brits seem to complain about everything. I know that my year will be exciting, as I’m hoping to travel a bit, carrying on with my course and who knows what else. But in the world of the media, it will undoubtedly be doom, gloom and pointless celebrity gossip. So here’s the next twelve months written out in entirety**, so you are prepared. I’m nice like that.

1. Michael Jackson will amaze everyone with ‘the comeback tour of the millennium’ as it turns out he isn’t actually dead, but hanging out with Elvis in a Lithuanian mansion. Elvis, meanwhile, also attempts a comeback, but crippling arthritis means that he moves like Indiana Jones fighting aliens, and no one watches.
2. A miracle cure-all is discovered that vanquishes every known disease.
3. 317 more diseases are discovered. All incurable.
4. New Moon wins 13 Oscars, breaking all records. It later transpires that the academy voters were paid off by a bunch of hormonal teenage girls, Mormons and desperate middle-aged women. This is dubbed, rather lazily, as ‘Moongate’.
5. Terence Malick’s next film will come out. 3 people will watch it.
6. Global Warming is discovered to be false. This is then refuted. This refutation is refuted. This next refutation is discovered to be only partially correct. It then turns out it was all started as a rumour by a 16-year-old on the internet. This is dubbed, even more lazily, as ‘Warminggate’. A writer at The Sun gets a pay rise.
7. This blog will gain astronomical views, becoming bigger than Wikipedia, Facebook and Google combined in terms of site activity. I will fail to notice.
8. Arnold Schwarzenegger is revealed to be a cyborg created by Barack Obama. They both win prizes for this. When Obama is asked why he did this, he just smiled and everyone cheered.
9. A Romanian peasant stumbles across huge gold deposits underneath his village, they all become ridiculously rich and Romania rises as a superpower to rival China. An obscure cult in Utah claims they saw it coming, and this is why you should pay them lots of money and why they should be allowed ten wives each. Tom Cruise joins.
10. CERN’s Large Hadron Collider goes horribly wrong and causes a black hole that envelopes all of europe, but due to Hollywood science only causes a Zombie apocalypse in the states. Roland Emmerich makes a film out of it, calling it 2010. Meanwhile, God wins a smug victory over the atheists as the smoking remains of europe simply spell out ‘I Told You So’.

So there it is, the facts of the coming year. I know it to be scientifically true as recently a star rock fell from heaven with these truths engraved on it, signed by Xenu. I carbon dated it with my Home Chemistry Set Jr.!, which revealed the date of origin to be tomorrow. It was then natural to see that the alignment of Mars and Mercury*** had been right all along. See?

That, and my cousin told me so.

* Not actually, in any way, shape or form, fact.

**Not even close to an entirety.

***Not only that, but anyone born in March should be open to romance this month.

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